A reflection from Jill James:

It was 1984 and that unique time of liminality between the long darkness of Winter Solstice and the traditional candlelight of Christmas. I had been married for 20 years to a pastor, mothered two birth daughters and numerous foster infants/children, was a registered nurse for infants at the local hospital, and had meaningful friendships within the community – all considered to be an “ideal” life for a woman of that time. And something felt profoundly wrong in the depth of my being.

I had not had the emotional strength to do what I thought of as “soul work” because I was afraid. Something changed in those few days of disorientation from darkness-to-light. What I feared the most rose to my full consciousness: I needed to leave my marriage. It wasn’t a horrible marriage, yet, for too many years, it was increasingly life draining and not life giving. I felt God was calling me to life, but God wasn’t in the business of breaking up marriages!

Shortly after the Summer Solstice, I moved back to Chicago, my hometown. Alone. One daughter was off to college; the other stayed in Michigan for a year. Every relationship that seemingly defined me was ended or changed. I had minimal belongings and money. I worked nights in the local neonatal intensive care unit. I grieved and I was alive.

One day, in my little two-room studio, I suddenly felt naked and bathed in a soft golden glow. My being knew it was God’s presence – the essence of what is left when all else is stripped away. My simple response was, “Well God, I guess it’s you and me.” I wasn’t afraid.